Falling Into Madness

Friday, June 25, 2004

"It is impossible to love and to be wise."

True love never dies for it is lust that fades away.
Love bonds for a lifetime, but lust just pushes it away. -Alicia Barnhart

Words of wisdom there, folks.

Talking to a friend brought up these thoughts again. What is it about love that makes us...well...love it so? Why must we need it to survive? We must we feel as though we need it to survive? Why do we give others our heart, only to have it crushed over and over? Why do we promise ourselves that we'll swear off from it, as if it's comparable to chocolate or cigarettes, and as soon as some new infatuation comes along, we start the agonizing process again?

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE love. I love being in love. I love knowing that others love me. I love giving others love in return for more love. I love...loving. However, I am also one of those schmucks who cannot quite attain it. Not in its purest form.

Wow, and like other poor schmucks out there, I, too, have struck out so many damn times that I cannot even begin to record them all for the sheer pleasure of torturing myself later by reviewing them in an obsessive-compulsive pattern. It's ridiculous how I let myself come to it each time.

Why in the hell are we programmed the way we are? Why in the hell would I, or any other unsuspecting victim, want to fall in love and still be in love with every damn person I or they have ever loved, even if they hurt us or they were a total dipshit? WHY? How utterly fucking perplexing this is.

So my friend and I talk, as we always do, and he's wondering if another friend of ours whom he used to love -- and damn the man, he still has feelings for her -- talks about him. And I feel so sorry for him while I also wallow in my own...patheticness because I keep wondering the same thing about another friend of ours whom I used to love, and Jesus in a handbasket to Hell, I still do even though she no longer loves me because I am the penultimate moron (with the ultimate moron being the boob who reclines in the big chair in the Oval Office).

So why do we do this completely awful shit to ourselves? Does humanity enjoy making itself miserable? I mean, hell, there is enough proof to think that it is that alone. Or stupidity. Yes, sweet Krishna, we are one incredibly dumb bunch of erect monkeys.

What's sad is that no matter how much I or any other sap like me learn, we are doomed to repeat ourselves every time we fall for a new person simply because no matter how antisocial we may consider ourselves to be, we, as a species, are very social, and well, of course, if we would never find anyone else, then we'd be labeled "that spinster who has 40 cats in a little house" or "that weird, middle-aged man who lives by himself down the street". And who wants that?

I'd like to believe it's our blind stupidity that drives us forward or some instinctual need to procreate, but I also remember that there's this word called "hope." Because most of us hope to find someone we love someday...someone who will love us back equally. Because we hope to be able to share a part of ourselves with someone else as we are programmed to do.

And being in love is wonderful.

la vie en rose

4:16 AM

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Introductions.

Hello. You've probably never heard of me before, or perhaps, you have merely forgotten about my existence. I am that little voice in the back of your head, known as your conscience! If you remember correctly, I take extra care in making sure that you don't do BAD THINGS. BAD THINGS would not necessarily be, but may include:

-Thinking BAD THOUGHTS about our president. Such as: George Bush is the Antichrist!!!1! No, Dubya is not the Antichrist, but it hasn't been disproved that he's the reincarnation of Hitler.

-Thinking about doing BAD THINGS to our president. Such as: I want to take a crap on the White House lawn!!!1! No, my friend, as hilarious as that may sound, you may face deportation to somewhere really terrible; like Canada.

-Thinking BAD THOUGHTS about our American government. Such as: No one ever gets anything done, so I'm going to vote them out in the next election. Nice try, but didn't the last Presidential Election Mishap™ teach you that your vote amounts to a whole pile of feces?

So you see! You do need me from time to time to keep you from facing execution at the hands of ~~American infidels~~ those damn terrorists!

Any relation to the blog-mistress' own conscience is purely coincidental. Also, no Canadians were hurt in the making of this post. Really, we love Canada!

la vie en rose

5:52 PM

Who Am I? What Is This?

"Who are YOU?" said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, "I -- I hardly know, sir, just at present -- at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."

In my early years, I blossomed in the backwaters of Osgood, Indiana. While its charming backwardness helped to shape me into the member of the female species whom I am today, I do not regret hightailing it out of the seventh level of Hell after graduation ended. What was it like to live outside of civilization? Watch Deliverance, Mississippi Burning, Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?...you'll see the point I'm making here.

My specialties are foreign languages (specifically German and Japanese), Asian studies and history, linguistics, world literature, and etymology. The fine arts, if they please.

I am: a halfbreed, bipolar, borderline, schizo, paranoid, anxious, occasionally depressive, constantly battling the desire to bring harm to myself, sometimes battling the need to kill others, not easily put into any identifiable sexual preference group, polyamorous but am not a "slut," in an open marriage, a mother of three, creative sometimes, working on a novel, a published poet, a fanfiction writer, an artist of many trades, an infrequent singer these days, a wannabe musician, a lover of all musical genres, a big kid who still adores cartoons, a big nerd specializing in everything imaginable, and...well, this list could go on, but I won't let it.

Warning: Be prepared to read all sorts of political, psychoanalytical, macabre, philosophical, self-analytical, and just general babble within this journal. If the thought doesn't turn you on, then go elsewhere. That doesn't mean that I shy from a good debate. All opinions are tolerated here. Who am I to keep others from their First Amendment Rights?